Reluctantly I have begun the countdown to showtime. It is such a strange mix of feelings when approaching the big "O" day. Funny also, how just a few months ago the term "Big O" meant something so completely different in my mind. Now and forever the baby (baby always being present regardless of the stage we are in trying to find him/her,) has changed my perception of so many things.
Now that the O window is on its way I begin to have a familiar feeling of excitement thoroughly mixed with pressure to perform. We chose to tap into my eggs first since I am nearing an age when I will no longer be a viable baby maker. I am so blessed to have this opportunity to live a miracle... however; I am an overachiever and find recent disappointments a reminder of my humanity, my imperfection and inability to control nature. I have been led to wonder each time if I am destined to succeed or simply learn a divine lesson from within my failures.
I hope the later is definitely not the case.
So many small things are intertwined in our daily lives that are directly tied to our future family. This monkey for instance... I am proud to say I am a huge sock monkey fan, but it was gifted to me for the purpose of cuddling the baby in my belly.... someday. So each day I see this fun guy and am reminded of what he is waiting for. He, unlike me, is chill. He does not shake or waiver... he simply hangs out with a look of faith on his sock face... almost like he has this under control... it is okay...
My Grandad left us on Thursday. I haven't the heart to tell Gram... though it is no coincidence that she became unusually cheerful the day after his passing. I believe that the spirits within us are what hold our universe together. I believe the spirit is the purpose and that Gram is one of those people that tune into that frequency more easily than most.
Gram has told us stories of interacting with unusual "people" in unusual places and times. For instance, in her last home she tells stories of people sitting at a table playing cards and speaking a language she did not know. She tells of talking to a man dressed like an Indian chief in her mother in laws home many years ago... and as of late she asked if the "upset woman" was causing the stress that caused me to lose our bellyfish... creepy? Absolutely, but I pay attention and wonder if she already knows of her husbands passing.
We also speculate that the more of these episodes she has, the closer she is to leaving her body behind. So, we have decided to try and make everything physical a little more enjoyable for her while she is tied here. What was once just a little ice cream and snack cake has become a gourmet experience... A little fun shape here and a little peanut butter sauce there, and *poof* special just for her.
What was once a simple TV tray... a cutting block and *poof* it becomes the perfect card table!
While I am on the topic of making mundane things special occurrences... I have to mention my wife as she is a specialist in this pastime.
In the following pics you will see what I saw yesterday morning... Cindarella woke to have coffee with me, plugged in her ear buds and proceeded to serenade our puppies... Watching her do this only brought my mind to baby. I can see her doing this with our kids and that makes me smile inside. She also took on one of the MANY "things to do before 30" by converting our standard spice rack into a rack of the spices we actually use. (Ever had a spice rack filled with spices you rarely if ever use? Well, remove the generic labels, dump the spices and fill with your own brands... label the bottoms with white labels... and *poof* more magic!)
This is what I woke up to just the other morning... can you recognize how lucky I am?
I love you too Cindarella.
Also, side note... one of my goals, not before 30 obviously, but before I leave the world... successful tattoo artist... this was my project last weekend... and I have an appointment today for the other star.
Pretty awesome, if you ask me... So to wrap up, about a week until the O... wish us luck!!!